How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 23-year-old, cis woman. Recently, I stopped using birth control for the first time since puberty. While on birth control, my sex drive diminished significantly. I struggled to climax, even with a vibrator, and felt no sexual attraction towards others. Despite engaging in hookups and sex a few times, it all felt forced and unenjoyable, often resorting to intimacy only when under the influence. I questioned my sexual orientation, wondering if I might be asexual or not attracted to men. Since discontinuing birth control, everything has changed—I now feel a strong sexual attraction towards men, frequently masturbate, and experience orgasms regularly, sometimes multiple times a day.
However, as I venture back into the dating scene, I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety about sex. While I desire it and fantasize about it, I struggle to overcome the mental barrier that it won’t be fulfilling or that I may not perform well. I almost wish I were a virgin to simplify the situation. I fear that potential partners will notice my apprehension or lack of experience. Additionally, I worry about my body image when naked, as I used to only expose myself while intoxicated, avoiding much thought about it. How can I expedite my sexual learning curve or at least conquer my fears?
Sort of Like a Virgin
Dear Like a Virgin,
In most cases, sexual compatibility is more about alignment than skill level. Effective communication can bridge any gaps, but sometimes the connection just isn’t there. The more you engage in conversations about sex, the more comfortable you’ll become discussing it. Understanding your body better will enable you to communicate your preferences to partners. With experience, you’ll accumulate a repertoire of techniques to enhance pleasure. Remember, sexual prowess isn’t a linear progression—it’s diverse and dynamic.
While some may assume a certain level of experience based on age, sexual proficiency is not solely determined by years. It’s essential to communicate openly. You can mention that you’re rediscovering your sexuality post-birth control or that hormonal changes have heightened your enjoyment of sex. You don’t need to delve into your entire history or disclose past encounters. You can playfully invite partners to explore with you.
Experiment with different masturbation techniques to familiarize yourself with your body. Educate yourself through resources like educational films and books on sexuality. Embrace the diverse beauty of bodies and remember that confidence stems from comfort. You’ve got this.
Dear How to Do It,
I am in a loving, long-term relationship with my partner, with whom I recently got engaged. While I am content in our relationship, I struggle to communicate my sexual needs effectively. We have differing libido levels—I desire sex three to five times a week, whereas my partner prefers it once every one to two weeks. I often supplement with masturbation between our encounters. However, I face discomfort when my partner initiates sex. Although our intimacy is enjoyable once initiated, I feel uneasy or unaroused when my partner makes the first move. How can I address this issue without hurting my partner’s feelings?
Happy But Uncomfortable
Dear Happy But Uncomfortable,
Broaching this topic may inadvertently cause some discomfort. Prioritize introspection to understand your reactions. Identify potential triggers for your discomfort, such as the approach or touch style. Address the shift from pursuing to being pursued in your relationship dynamic. Initiate the conversation with reassurance of your happiness in the relationship and your usual attraction to your partner. Express your uncertainty about your reactions and seek mutual resolution as a team.
If you encounter difficulties, consider seeking guidance from a sex coach or therapist for further support.
Dear How to Do It,
In my early sexual experiences, I (29F, gay) effortlessly achieved orgasms. However, in recent years, I’ve encountered challenges reaching climax during partnered sex. While solo masturbation remains satisfying, partnered encounters often result in delayed or lackluster orgasms. I am currently with a patient partner, exploring various approaches together. Although I value connection over climax, I yearn to rediscover the ease of physical pleasure I once had. What could be causing this shift?
Where Did You Come From?
Dear Where Did You Come From,
Your evolving relationship with sex may be influenced by age and experience. Reflect on your past approaches to sex and relationships to identify any changes impacting your sexual response. Prioritize connection over orgasm, as fixating on climax can hinder its attainment. Experiment with non-touch masturbation techniques and body mapping exercises to explore new pathways to pleasure.
Embrace this journey of self-discovery as a natural part of personal growth. View it as an intriguing mystery to unravel, and continue enjoying the exploration with your partner for its intrinsic joy.
More Advice From Slate
I’ve been casually seeing a guy for about three to four months, engaging in intimate activities once a week. Although our interactions primarily revolve around sex, we also share genuine conversations and enjoy each other’s company outside the bedroom. Despite our compatibility in various aspects, I find myself developing strong feelings for him.