My forthcoming book, “Exhibit,” portrays the odyssey of three Korean women engulfed by fervor and longing. It explores themes of physical craving, non-conventional desires, and queer allure. These characters revel in investigating and gratifying their bodily appetites.
Coming from a Korean background with a Catholic upbringing, I once ardently embraced evangelical Protestantism, aspiring to serve the Lord wholeheartedly before eventually losing my faith. During a literary event where I presented a reading from “Exhibit,” my parents, radiating pride, were among the audience. Despite their attendance, I playfully cautioned them against delving into the entire novel, alluding to its provocative nature.
The act of divulging one’s personal life in public, especially crafting a whole novel around it, is fraught with intense shame and anxiety. Even now, as I pen these words, I sense my heartbeat quickening, compelling me to remain silent and hidden.
If feasible, I would shield my novel from family members, Korean Americans within my parents’ church community, and individuals associated with my family in any manner. The intricate connections within the Korean American diaspora often amplify this feeling of scrutiny and judgment.
Over the course of nine years devoted to writing “Exhibit,” I grappled with mounting anxiety, resulting in crippling panic attacks and emotional upheavals. The apprehension of laying bare my innermost thoughts and desires to the world exacerbated this internal conflict.
Despite the hurdles, I hold faith in the capacity of literature to uncover concealed truths and confront personal apprehensions. To me, writing is about articulating the unutterable and embracing vulnerability.
As the release date for “Exhibit” draws near, uncertainties and anxieties resurface, questioning the potential consequences on my family and the Korean community. The weight of cultural expectations and the dread of dishonor loom large in my thoughts.
The Korean culture’s emphasis on upholding honor and safeguarding familial reputation adds another stratum of complexity to my inner turmoil. The fear of letting down my ancestors and besmirching the family name is a burdensome weight to carry.
Conversations with mental health experts and community figures shed light on the deeply entrenched shame culture within the Korean community. Dialogues concerning queerness, kink, and sexuality remain forbidden, perpetuating a cycle of silence and disgrace.
The quest for recognition and visibility encountered by queer and trans individuals, both in Korea and the diaspora, underscores the pressing need for societal transformation and acceptance. The journey towards embracing diverse identities and challenging conventional norms is a joint endeavor that demands courage and resilience.
Through my narratives and storytelling, I strive to dismantle barriers, defy stereotypes, and nurture a more inclusive and empathetic society. Despite the lingering uncertainties and fears, I remain resolute in amplifying marginalized voices and advocating for increased acceptance and compassion.