After the passing of my father, my body was consumed with containing the sorrow, leaving me with little energy for anything beyond a simple stroll around the block. Just one block.
It felt as though my existence had collided head-on with an impenetrable barrier. The usual routines lost their appeal, and mealtimes became a chore rather than a pleasure. Time itself seemed to warp — minutes dragged on endlessly while weeks slipped by unnoticed. I oscillated between a dense fog of emotions and moments of acute, focused awareness on even the smallest details. During one of these brief walks, where I moved slowly with shuffling steps that made me feel decades older than my actual age, I distinctly recall witnessing the first blossoms of spring unfurling on the tree near my home. I stood there, captivated by each intricate detail: a living sculpture beside the cherry tree. To this day, I can visualize those blossoms with closed eyes.
Loss possesses a unique ability to reshape us unlike anything else. Whether it’s the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, a serious medical diagnosis, financial ruin, or the death of a loved one, each loss presents opportunities for transformation that we may have never envisioned. However, it also entails a certain discomfort or pain, as it necessitates shedding parts of our old selves and embracing new facets of our identities.
Having traversed my own losses and accompanied clients on their individual journeys through grief, I’ve observed common themes in how we respond to loss, the possibilities it opens up, and the ways we can best support ourselves. Here, I’d like to share two key insights.
One crucial lesson I gleaned early on after my father’s passing was the practice of self-compassion, an evidence-based approach. Desperate for relief from the emotional, mental, and physical anguish, I discovered that comforting touch triggers the release of hormones like oxytocin, and remarkably, our bodies don’t differentiate between self-soothing gestures and those from loved ones. Thus, in my darkest moments, I began offering myself gentle embraces, placing a hand over my heart, and speaking to myself with the tenderness I would reserve for my mother or sister. “I understand your pain. Your love for him was profound. I’m here for you, unwavering.” This practice provided solace. I felt less isolated, more supported, as the sharp edges of my agony softened.
Self-compassion techniques serve as lifelines for my clients when they confront the intense emotions accompanying their losses. When faced with situations that defy resolution or logic, the most effective self-care involves embracing acceptance and self-compassion practices. For those interested in delving deeper independently, I recommend exploring tools like the RAIN method by Tara Brach or the array of self-compassion exercises available on self-compassion.org curated by Dr. Kristin Neff.
Another prevalent theme intertwined with loss is the imperative of reorientation it presents. Significant losses delineate a clear “before” and “after.” For many, they mark a threshold—a new chapter’s inception, whether desired or not. Aspects of our former selves fade away, making room for new facets to emerge. Our true priorities come sharply into focus. External validation loses its significance as we attune to our inner wisdom. We grant ourselves permission to embark on paths previously unconsidered. Through painstaking efforts, we reconstruct our lives and identities step by step. In my observation, those clients who confront their losses head-on, embrace their emotions, practice self-compassion, inquire “what is my truth now?”, and remain steadfast on the journey of integration rather than distraction, craft an “after” that transcends. They cultivate a newfound groundedness, compassion, and meaning in their lives.