When I secured my initial position after graduating from law school at a prestigious Big Law firm, I was elated. It felt like a significant achievement.
However, working as an M&A associate in the realm of Big Law presented its challenges. The long hours, starting and ending the day in darkness, the demanding deals, obligatory social gatherings (where attendance was monitored), and the pro bono commitments left me with little time for anything else.
In my early days post-law school, the partner overseeing my work humorously warned me, “Bring a sleeping bag—the carpet isn’t as comfortable as it appears.”
Simultaneously, while I was immersed in work at the office, I was missing out on precious moments with my children. Witnessing my daughter’s first steps through a video on iMessage and apologizing for missing my son’s birthday due to work commitments became all too common.
Striving to strike a balance between my professional obligations and family life proved to be an uphill battle. Despite my efforts, the constant pull back into work during family time left me feeling resentful. Even when I managed to spend time with my loved ones, my mind was often preoccupied with work-related challenges, making it hard to be present.
The concept of work-life balance seemed unattainable for me. I knew I needed to rethink my approach.
The Culture of Big Law
Regrettably, my experience is not unique in the sphere of Big Law. Lawyers are not just encouraged but expected to work tirelessly, even after experiencing burnout. On average, lawyers feel burnt out [ppp1] of the time.
The culture of Big Law demands that lawyers prioritize work above all else to excel and progress in their careers. Social events after work, late-night meal allowances, and transportation services further solidify this culture.
This culture can take a toll on individuals, especially those with significant responsibilities at home, such as parents. For parents, there seems to be a stark choice: prioritize family or advance in the competitive environment of Big Law. Studies have shown that working parents have faced disparaging remarks about their dual roles, with 48% believing that having children has hindered their legal careers.
Resolving the Dilemma
My turning point came when my young son refused to come to me one day, clinging to his mother instead. It was a wakeup call. I cherished my work in M&A and my strong work ethic, but not at the expense of my family.
I made two pivotal changes. Firstly, I challenged the conventional wisdom around work-life balance. I envisioned a scenario where work and family life seamlessly intertwined. What if there were no distinct boundaries between Work Eli and Dad Eli?
This approach involved openly sharing my family life with my colleagues, receiving their support, and involving my family in my professional journey. Conversations about my work with my children became common, and even taking work calls during bedtime became an opportunity for them to engage and support me. I termed this approach “Fully-Integrated Life,” and it has proven effective for me.
Secondly, I made the decision to leave Big Law. This meant relinquishing my aspirations for a partnership at a major firm in favor of a boutique, remote firm.
By eliminating the daily commute and the pressure to be physically present in an office, I gained the flexibility to blend work seamlessly into my home and personal life. I could handle crucial deals on my schedule and collaborate with clients who shared this vision. This shift allowed me to excel as a lawyer while being present as a dedicated father who could actively participate in his children’s lives. Though still incredibly busy, I finally felt in control of my time.
This journey may unfold differently for other legal professionals. Some may find success in setting clear boundaries or adopting flexible schedules. For others, it might involve making time for personal activities like exercise before work or prioritizing mental health through therapy sessions.
As parents, it is essential to recognize that providing for our families is not solely about financial support. Being present and engaged in their lives is equally crucial. These changes have enabled me to achieve this balance, but the key is understanding that there is a personalized solution for each individual.
All legal professionals, whether parents or not, can aspire to integrate their work and personal lives effectively. Aligning your professional pursuits with your values, aspirations, and personal goals—whatever form that may take for you—is a pursuit worth undertaking.