In my twenties and thirties, I pursued a vibrant life with fervor, desiring to embrace all that life had to offer. Engaging in deep conversations, seeking out new experiences and adventures, and deriving art and significance from every encounter were my priorities. The thought of reaching the age of 40 lingered in the distant future, beyond which the prospect of turning 65 seemed unfathomable.
However, my innocence was shattered abruptly three years ago in the dead of night. Awakening bathed in sweat, trembling in the darkness, I was startled by the sudden coldness enveloping me. Subsequently, my nights became fragmented, disrupted by frequent awakenings—two, three, four, or even five times.
The disruption extended beyond mere night sweats. My menstrual cycle underwent unsettling changes, fluctuating in duration, with the first two days of my period marked by significantly heavier flow. A friend and I humorously dubbed them “crime scene periods,” finding solace in shared experiences amidst the chaos.
One afternoon, in the confines of a Goodwill dressing room, a searing heat ignited within my lower abdomen, engulfing my head and limbs in flames. Struggling to comprehend the sensation, I experienced my first hot flash, tearing a seam as I hastily discarded the sundress I was trying on. At 43, I grappled with the perplexity of perimenopause—wasn’t I too young for this phase?
Jessica Grose highlights that the perimenopausal period is associated with a myriad of symptoms, encompassing up to 34 different afflictions, from hair loss to peculiar sensations like ‘burning mouth syndrome’, characterized by tingling or numbness in the lips, gums, and tongue.
The extensive and convoluted list of perimenopausal symptoms evoked a sense of familiarity within me. Reflecting on my past experience writing “Like a Mother,” a book challenging outdated scientific and cultural beliefs surrounding pregnancy, I recalled experts emphasizing the dearth of knowledge concerning this fundamental human process.
The quest for information on menopause proved perplexing and disorienting, with disparate definitions scattered across various sources. Dr. Jen Gunter’s concept of the “menopause continuum” in her book “The Manifesto” resonated with me, illustrating the journey from pre-menopause to post-menopause as a holistic process spanning decades.
Despite the substantial duration spent in this phase, knowledge remains scarce. Many navigate this transition ill-prepared, as discussions around menopause remain taboo despite its universal prevalence. Each individual’s experience is unique, influenced not only by biological factors but also by personal circumstances such as relationships, race, healthcare access, and familial history.
At 46, I have been grappling with symptoms of the “menopause transition” for three years, ranging from night sweats and heavy periods to frequent urination and vaginal dryness. Amidst these hormonal and physiological changes, I have noticed a subtle transformation—a newfound receptiveness and vulnerability. Over the past three years, I have embraced changes that once seemed daunting, from embracing my natural gray hair to seeking help when needed, fostering a deeper sense of empathy and connection with others.
Gazing into the mirror, my initial reaction is not one of judgment but of self-reflection and acceptance. While uncertainties loom regarding the duration of my menopausal journey and the emotional fluctuations I experience, a sense of tranquility has settled within me, stemming from a detachment from trivial concerns.
The inability to envision middle age in the past reflects both a personal limitation and a societal emphasis on youth, neglecting meaningful depictions and discussions surrounding female middle age. Despite the inherent challenges and losses associated with this phase, the narrative should encompass the richness, growth, and depth that accompany this transformative period.
Though the reflection staring back at me may appear unfamiliar, I am intrigued by her evolution. Curiosity propels me forward, anticipating the intriguing path she will lead me on.